Homeschooling Is NOT Our Savior

...Thankfully! Let's face it, homeschoolers can be a bit self-righteous. Due to our homeschooling efforts (which can take up the majority of our time and thoughts), our youngsters will grow up to be great men and women of God. Well, we can all hope for that. This is not always the case. Fortunately, children are unique creations of God and not little robots for us to program. Our children will disappoint us. They will embarrass us. They may even turn away from our teaching.

As homeschoolers, we want to yell out, "but I homeschooled my kids! This isn't supposed to happen! This only happens to those public school kids. Not mine!"
Homeschooling does not protect our children from all evil tendencies. Sin lives in the hearts of all boys and girls.

I've been having a rough homeschooling day today. Both of my "little angles" have been driving me bonkers today. Katie was having 2 year old temper tantrums over everything, and Nathan found it necessary to argue with me over everything. By noon, I was ready to rip my hair out. It would be so much easier to just ship these wild children of mine off to public school so I could have some moments of peace.

I know in my heart that even though homeschooling does not save me or my children, the time I get to spend with them is precious. Our moments of playing, disciplining, and learning are important. I wouldn't do them if I didn't find them Godly and of value. We need to be reminded that children from all schooling backgrounds struggle. Our holier than thou attitude sometimes needs to be checked. Let's just continue in humble prayer for our children, their education, and their salvation.

Easter Business

What a busy day I had. This morning was filled with Easter readiness. I had to finalize our plans for tomorrow. Then I took the kids to the Easter party at church. When you attend a large church like we do, these parties are more like mega-parties. There was a petting zoo, cookie decorating (and eating, of course), one of those air filled obstacle courses, and of course the infamous egg hunt. There were at least 1,000 people there, so we only stayed long enough to do each activity once. This still took over an hour to accomplish. I was definitely ready to head home.

Now that I know I'll be leaving for Lori's (my sister) on Wednesday with the two kiddos, I'm in the planning process for both school and packing. I'm a little intimidated about riding on the Amtrak train for the first time with two kids and way too much luggage. I'm an overpacker as it is then add in school books and I hope I don't forget one of my children at home. I'll be making plenty of lists to prepare.

I then had to go to Goodwill and the grocery store to pick up a few things. After dealing with a ton of traffic and returning home, I realized I needed to run to the teacher supply store. Thankfully, it's only about 5 minutes from my house.

Cooking, laundry, beginning stages of packing, playing with kids, trying not to completely ignore my hubby, more school planning, laundry again, cleaning, etc. That was my day in a nutshell. I'm looking forward to my day of rest.

Medication Blues

I HATE taking meds! I don't know why, but I have a huge aversion to popping pills. I don't even like taking vitamins. I know that with bipolar disorder, I really have no choice but to take the meds. I'm pretty lucky to live in a time when medication is so readily available with few side effects. People used to live in insane asylums due to a lack of treatment for illnesses such as bipolar disorder. Left untreated, many of these people would end up in psychosis and need to be monitored on a regular basis. Thankfully, I am able to pop a few pills at bedtime and live a pretty normal life.

So why do I fight the urge to skip the pills? I'm not sure why. Maybe because I wish I was strong enough to fight the illness with my own willpower. Unfortunately just as a cancer patient cannot will away the cancer, I cannot will away my depression and mania. Also, I really don't like the side effects that I do have to deal with. I have to deal with an increased appetite (just what I don't need), dry mouth, and drowsiness. I mean, there are days where I just cannot stay awake. This is unusual, but those days still exist. Mostly my eyelids just feel like they are made of metal. I may not even feel all that sleepy, but I can't keep my eyes open.

Today Nathan was telling me about his new book that he was reading (King of the Wind.) He had only read 4 chapters, but I know how he goes into major detail when he narrates his story back to me. I told him that I would be listening, but I had to close my eyes. I heard every word he said, but my eyes were shut the entire time. I know that that's better than not listening at all.

I mean, a few months ago I wasn't even sure I wanted to keep my children. Mania has a way of distorting your thinking that much. I could honestly see how mothers could get up and walk away from their husbands and children. Now looking at that scenario, I figure the mothers must be ill. I certainly was. Thankfully I never did walk away. I love my husband and children very much. I would give my life for any and all 3 of them.

If you are unfamiliar with bipolar disorder or would like to learn more, a great book by Kay Redfield Jamison is An Unquiet Mind. An excerpt from her book is here. She is also bipolar and it is in a way an autobiography. She has a way of describing the illness that no textbook could come close to. She lives and breaths the illness. An excellent book indeed.

Easter Bunnies and Plastic Eggs

We like the Easter Bunny here. The children hunt for eggs every Easter. These plastic eggs are usually filled will candy, gifts, and money. Even though we never pushed the Easter Bunny as an oversized bunny who visits our home and leaves baskets full of goodies, my children still find him to be a fun character and don't mind getting their picture taken with him.

We also celebrate the real meaning of Easter. We read about the days that led up to Jesus' death, burial, and Resurrection. Our children learn about why Jesus suffered the way he did. They know that Jesus thought about them specifically as he faced the cross. It was personal. Christ didn't die for just anybody. He died for each person specifically and personally. He knew the sins that he was dying for.

We enjoy the early morning church service on Easter Sunday. Next, we spend time with family as the kids search for eggs and we finish the day with dinner. This is similar to the way I was raised. I never thought the Easter bunny died for my sins or that Jesus was just a cartoon character. I could always tell the difference between what was real and what was "just for fun." If I ever feel that my children are choosing bunnies or Jesus, we will abruptly change our focus. It's about reading the child's heart.

Maundy Thursday

Growing up, we never celebrated Maundy Thursday. On this day, Jesus washed the disciples' feet, there was the first communion at the last supper, Jesus suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane, and Judas betrayed Jesus for 30 pieces of silver. Maundy Thursday is the beginning of the Easter Triduum, which means the 3-day period leading up to Easter.

We don't have any plans today for Maundy Thursday. Tomorrow I will do a project and a foot washing to show Christ's love for his disciples. I will also watch The Passion of the Christ with Ken. This is an annual thing for us.

Tonight we are taking Ken to see his new doctor. His blood pressure is through the roof. We want to talk to the doc about getting his weight down. We are even thinking about gastric bypass surgery. Although Ken is not overly excited about the idea, he knows that his health is in danger. His sleep apnea may be back and his blood pressure has been at a dangerous level, even while on medication. Many people in his family have developed diabetes, although luckily he has shown no signs of this yet. The kids are going to stay and their grandparents' house while I go with Ken. We bought a blood pressure monitor to keep track of his BP. Hopefully the doctor will have some good recommendations for Ken.

Food...Ugh!

I have a love/hate relationship with food. I love to eat it and I hate to prepare it. It's not so much that I hate the prep. I think I really lack the proper skills of preparation. I don't know how to make a menu. I don't know how to make a grocery list. I don't have recipes that suit my family well. So now I am on a quest to gain the recipes and the knowledge to do these things better.

Breakfast and lunch are pretty much a no-brainer around here. I'm not the kind of mom who must make everything by scratch. I don't mind boxed mac'n'cheese. I just prefer that there be a decent amount of fruits and vegetables on the table. Here's a sample of breakfast for the week:

Sunday~donuts (quick and easy for Church)
Monday~scrambled eggs with bacon and toast
Tuesday~oatmeal with fruit
Wednesday~cereal and milk
Thursday~french toast with sausage
Friday~oatmeal with fruit
Saturday~cereal with milk

Here's a sample of lunch for a week:

Sunday~mac'n'cheese with garlic cauliflower
Monday~veggie soup with baked potato
Tuesday~grilled cheese with tomato soup
Wednesday~fajita chicken wraps with salsa corn
Thursday~tuna salad on top of greens
Friday~homemade turkey and veggie pizza
Saturday~out to lunch with daddy

Snacks range from fruit, yogurt, chips, veggies and dip, etc. I would like to have a menu that I can follow on a regular basis. As of now, I just make whatever we have in the pantry. Dinner is going to be my biggest problem. This is what I need for a successful dinner:
~Healthy
~Cooked in 1 hour or less
~Not too difficult to make
~Vegetables separate since Ken doesn't eat veggies
~Inexpensive

I know there aren't many people reading my blog yet since my old blog has been made new again, but I'm up for ideas.

Learning All the Time

We had a coupon for a local buffet restaurant, so we went out to dinner tonight. While eating, I gave Nate some sentences to see if he remembered his limited and descriptive adjectives. He did pretty well. When we came home, the kids bathed and hopped into bed. Since their bedtime is 8:00PM, I'm pretty lenient with Nathan and allow him to read his Bible, work on verse memorization, or move ahead in his school books. Tonight, he did 11 pages in a multiplication review book that I bought him, 2 pages from his handwriting book (great work here), practiced his verses, and read the Bible. I finally had to tell him he needed to stop and go to bed. If only I could get this kind of work out of him during the day. Maybe I need to make his bedtime 6:00 and let him stay up if he's working on schoolwork for 2 1/2 hours.

Katie's Dungeon

In my desperate attempt to regain control of my home, I decided to attempt to tackle Katie's dungeon first in order to return it to it's once castle-like appearance. One thing that struck me immediately is that she has WAY TOO MUCH STUFF! She has enough toys for about 10 little girls, but they just keep accumulating. I actually have a bagful of toys that she hasn't opened yet and has forgotten about. My first job is to dig through the pile of toys to see what she has outgrown or no longer plays with. These go in boxes for the garage sale that we will be having soon. Next, I need to cut back on the amount of toys she still plays with. Yes, little girls love tea parties and playing with their kitchen sets but I don't think it's necessary to have two extra large bins stuffed full of play dishes and play food. One medium or even a small bin would be sufficient.



Next come the clothes. Since the seasons are changing, this is a necessary evil that all parents must deal with. I must go through hand-me-downs to see what fits her for the coming season. What still fits that I should hold onto for next fall? What do I try to sell in the upcoming garage sale? What do I give to Goodwill? What do I pitch?



After the clothes are dealt with, I will have to do some heavy organizing of the toys. I think I'll have an area with the more schoolish toys. These probably won't be in her room because that's how pieces go missing and how I get upset and lose my temper. These will probably go in the school bins. This includes opposites cards, ABC and shapes/colors flashcards, lacing cards, read-aloud books, phonics games, etc. Then I'll organize her little toys as well as possible. She does love the little stuff like My Little Pony, Littlest Pet Shop, Barbie, Polly Pockets, etc. All of these are small with even smaller accessories. Since she doesn't care about playing with only one set of toys at a time, I probably won't worry too much about the mixing of such toys. As long as she can pick them up without being overwhelmed and her room can look peaceful, Momma and Katie can both be happy.



Finally I will want to give her room a good cleaning. Everything needs wiped down really well. Furniture needs to be moved to clean it. Windows need washed, floors cleaned, and the list goes on and on. I want to be finished by the end of this week. I then need to move on to the next dungeon. Sprinkle a little fairy dust and wish me luck!

The Sin of Guilt

As a Christian, I know that my sins are paid for by the blood of Jesus. With Good Friday and Easter fast approaching, the actions of Christ's suffering, death, and Resurrection are on the minds of Christians everywhere. I have been dealing specifically with understanding how Jesus could pay for my sins. I mean, other people are allowed to screw up big-time but not me. Instead of allowing myself to sit in the lap of my loving Father, I prefer His wrath. He has already told me, "You're forgiven," yet I ask him to continue punishing me.

The guilt I am feeling is sinful. I have asked for repentance and Christ provided that on the cross. I have been forgiven and yet I cannot accept that. I need to change my outlook, but it's not all that easy. I am dealing with 6 months of screwing up all at once. I can now look with clear eyes when for months I was in the fog of mania. All I see is hurt, disappointment, neglect, and suffering toward the ones I love most. I know, I know, it was the illness taking over my being. I get it. I still am having a hard time accepting it. I don't want to blame my actions on my illness. It's a fine line to walk. I have free will and I need to make wise choices, but with bipolar disorder your mind can become your worst enemy. When your mind hates you, you make bad decisions. The thing is, you don't even realize that the choices you are making are bad choices. I still have consequences to face, although the Lord has laid out his mercy on me. My marriage is still intact, my children are healthy, and life is almost better now than before my last episode.

Also, I feel the guilt for placing a huge burden on my husband to provide for our family. I have always worked outside the home to help provide. Now Ken is at it alone and will need to pick up a part-time job in order to pay the bills. I feel horribly guilty about this. Ken has not done anything to make me feel guilty. He feels he's doing what is best for the family and is happy to see me healthy again. He wants me home and hopes that I will be able to get disability, but he isn't upset about my inability to work. He definitely is not blaming me. Why, oh why, can't I stop the guilt?

Excited and a Little Apprehensive

Today was our first day back to school for a while. I've decided to add Katie into the mix, which adds another dimension to our homeschool. Even though I still think unschooling has it's advantages, I've decided to hit the books instead. Because of my being bipolar, I don't think unschooling is a good fit for my kids. I need more of a schedule to follow. Also Ken is not in agreement to that style of homeschool.

I wanted to keep it as simple as I could. We have Bible in the morning after breakfast but since there's a large age difference, Nathan reads to himself while I read Katie her Bible story. Then Katie colors her picture while Nathan and I work on his assignment. Then I work on phonics with Katie through Explode the Code or my own made up games while Nate works in his Easy Grammar book.

At this point, I send Nathan to his room to work on math and handwriting since the directions are pretty self-explanatory. I then work with Katie in Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons. I wouldn't say she loves this book because she's ready to be done at the end of each lesson, but she's doing well so far. When both kids are done with their work, they have snack while I read aloud. You'd be amazed at how long it's taking us to finish Narnia's A Horse and His Boy. Let's just say that I'm ashamed at myself. Oh well. Nathan is remembering the characters quite well. A little better than I am. After our read-aloud, Nathan reads a few chapters in his own book while Katie plays on the computer. Finally, Katie naps while Nathan and I work on spelling and science or history.

Right now, school looks pretty boring to me. I would prefer that there be a lot of creativity in our day. I'm hoping that I will be able to master our schedule first before adding in too many extras. Fridays are our days to break away from the norm since the kids have co-op on that day and we take the rest of the day off. I'm hoping to add in plenty of games, outside play, crafts, and such.

We had a very successful day today. This includes Nathan complaining of an earache for 1.5 hours and my finding him a new primary care physician and scheduling him an appointment to see the Dr. tomorrow. At this point he tells me he's fine and decides to finish the school day so he can go play outside. Aaaahhhh! I haven't cancelled the appointment because I believe his ear really was hurting him. I think it may be a popped eardrum (again) because he said it hurts when he burps. One of his ears never seemed to heal correctly since he had tubes put in his ears as a toddler, although that is a wonderful surgery for any child with chronic ear infections. Nate also decided to be defiant right around lunch time and decided that he would NOT be making any vegetables with lunch. That was a quick way to lose his lunch privilege and be sent to his room. Even with those thrown into the mix, our day was productive and I feel good about our accomplishments.

Oh, by the way, Katie decided that it was okay to play outside in the snow without her coat on because, "It's not cold Mommy!" Oh, my crazy girl! Yes, I did bring her in and bundle her up.

A New Start

It's been six months since my illness began taking hold of me. For those that don't know, I suffer from Bipolar Disorder. I hate to use the word suffer, but I really do suffer from it~so do my family and friends. I am finally starting to feel "normal" and healthy again. I ended my last blog because I didn't think it was good to blog while my mind was being hijacked by either mania or depression. They have a way of doing that. Now I feel I have more of a purpose. I am a Christian, a wife, a mother, a homeschooler, a friend, and a person with Bipolar.

The goal of my new blog is to show all aspects of these and how they work together. I am never just one part of the equation. My life has changed dramatically since I last blogged. I am no longer working (minus a day route I do once a week that takes about 3 hours.) I may try to pick up some babysitting jobs, but there's nothing in the works as of yet. Ken is planning on picking up a part-time job to supplement some of the missing income. We are also cutting back a LOT. We don't live a cushy lifestyle as it is. Cutting back will be an adjustment for us all.

Being home full-time means that I can be the wife and mother that I dream about. I'll still never be a Martha Stewart, but I can be as scheduled and organized as possible. I love putting my children to bed at night now. We have a night time routine that my working made very difficult. We sit down at the table for meals now. It's become a priority. Ken has taken on the role as head of household. I am trying to be a submissive wife. We are working hard to fulfill our new roles, and the change has caused some drama in our lives. We are learning to deal with each other in new ways. Right now I'm homeschooling the kiddos while working on a new schedule to get my house in some order. I wish I could just get a dumpster to get rid of all of the stuff, but that's not the best solution. Slow and steady, I will work my way through the mess.

Yes, I know this blog is long, but I am wanting to explain the changes in my life. I now take my meds. every night before bed. I see my psychiatrist once every two weeks and my therapist once a week. This is what I need to do to stay stable at this point. I am working on a relapse prevention plan. This is a plan of action if signs and symptoms of my illness begin to show their ugly face. As some may know, I am usually the last to know I am ill. By then, my mind is no longer my own. My kids have to be a priority through all of this. They are lucky to see their mother suffer through an illness because they will be stronger and more accepting of others with disabilities. Having a father with a physical disability (cerebral palsy) helps in their understanding of true humanness. We all have difficulties in life and we need each other. Families are God's perfect example of how we can be there for one another. The amount of support and encouragement that I have received over the past few months have been enormous. My family has backed me up and helped me in ways I never could have imagined. I feel blessed to have such a great support system in my family.

I decided to take on a daily topic (thanks Lori) to help organize my blog.

Monday~School Stuff-anything dealing with homeschooling
Tuesday~Organization for the Organizationally Challenged-schedules, cleaning, toy bins, oh my!
Wednesday~All Things Food-healthy food, menu help, dieting, anything to do with feeding a family.
Thursday~Let's Get Spiritual-how am I helping to grow my family spiritually? What is on my mind when it comes to God, the Bible, and a Christian worldview.
Friday~Dealing With Mental Illness-What does living with Bipolar look like? What are my struggles?
Saturday~Family Fun-Finding my way through the world's view of family and walking the narrow path of a Christian housewife.
Sunday~Extra, Extra-Our weekly activities that didn't make the list.