As a Christian, I know that my sins are paid for by the blood of Jesus. With Good Friday and Easter fast approaching, the actions of Christ's suffering, death, and Resurrection are on the minds of Christians everywhere. I have been dealing specifically with understanding how Jesus could pay for my sins. I mean, other people are allowed to screw up big-time but not me. Instead of allowing myself to sit in the lap of my loving Father, I prefer His wrath. He has already told me, "You're forgiven," yet I ask him to continue punishing me.
The guilt I am feeling is sinful. I have asked for repentance and Christ provided that on the cross. I have been forgiven and yet I cannot accept that. I need to change my outlook, but it's not all that easy. I am dealing with 6 months of screwing up all at once. I can now look with clear eyes when for months I was in the fog of mania. All I see is hurt, disappointment, neglect, and suffering toward the ones I love most. I know, I know, it was the illness taking over my being. I get it. I still am having a hard time accepting it. I don't want to blame my actions on my illness. It's a fine line to walk. I have free will and I need to make wise choices, but with bipolar disorder your mind can become your worst enemy. When your mind hates you, you make bad decisions. The thing is, you don't even realize that the choices you are making are bad choices. I still have consequences to face, although the Lord has laid out his mercy on me. My marriage is still intact, my children are healthy, and life is almost better now than before my last episode.
Also, I feel the guilt for placing a huge burden on my husband to provide for our family. I have always worked outside the home to help provide. Now Ken is at it alone and will need to pick up a part-time job in order to pay the bills. I feel horribly guilty about this. Ken has not done anything to make me feel guilty. He feels he's doing what is best for the family and is happy to see me healthy again. He wants me home and hopes that I will be able to get disability, but he isn't upset about my inability to work. He definitely is not blaming me. Why, oh why, can't I stop the guilt?
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2 comments:
Angel,
I believe that the devil is working on your mind. I think that your're susceptible at this moment in time. Do you believe that Mom & I love you? If you do, then believe that the Lord loves you that much more and that he has forgiven you. Remember, he is in the forgiving business. Your're his child and there is no one that he loves more than you! And when you love someone, you have mercy and forgiveness for that special person. Just believe and accept what he freely gives you.
Love you always,
Dad
Yup, Dad nailed it on the head...yes, I can see what you're talking about - about walking a fine line, about facing consequences and such. But when it comes to guilt, you have to realize that God has TOTALLY forgiven you. And, like you said, He has even blessed you in some ways through all this.
Yes, deal with the consequences, but with the knowledge that God loves you, that He wants the very best for you, that you can grow through all of this. Love your children all the more, love your husband. The guilt won't make any of it better....only more love!!
Sweet~
Lori
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