Medication Blues

I HATE taking meds! I don't know why, but I have a huge aversion to popping pills. I don't even like taking vitamins. I know that with bipolar disorder, I really have no choice but to take the meds. I'm pretty lucky to live in a time when medication is so readily available with few side effects. People used to live in insane asylums due to a lack of treatment for illnesses such as bipolar disorder. Left untreated, many of these people would end up in psychosis and need to be monitored on a regular basis. Thankfully, I am able to pop a few pills at bedtime and live a pretty normal life.

So why do I fight the urge to skip the pills? I'm not sure why. Maybe because I wish I was strong enough to fight the illness with my own willpower. Unfortunately just as a cancer patient cannot will away the cancer, I cannot will away my depression and mania. Also, I really don't like the side effects that I do have to deal with. I have to deal with an increased appetite (just what I don't need), dry mouth, and drowsiness. I mean, there are days where I just cannot stay awake. This is unusual, but those days still exist. Mostly my eyelids just feel like they are made of metal. I may not even feel all that sleepy, but I can't keep my eyes open.

Today Nathan was telling me about his new book that he was reading (King of the Wind.) He had only read 4 chapters, but I know how he goes into major detail when he narrates his story back to me. I told him that I would be listening, but I had to close my eyes. I heard every word he said, but my eyes were shut the entire time. I know that that's better than not listening at all.

I mean, a few months ago I wasn't even sure I wanted to keep my children. Mania has a way of distorting your thinking that much. I could honestly see how mothers could get up and walk away from their husbands and children. Now looking at that scenario, I figure the mothers must be ill. I certainly was. Thankfully I never did walk away. I love my husband and children very much. I would give my life for any and all 3 of them.

If you are unfamiliar with bipolar disorder or would like to learn more, a great book by Kay Redfield Jamison is An Unquiet Mind. An excerpt from her book is here. She is also bipolar and it is in a way an autobiography. She has a way of describing the illness that no textbook could come close to. She lives and breaths the illness. An excellent book indeed.